Keep Going

A close friend once told me I'm too hard on myself. I've heard that more than a few times from people close and not so close. I have to be, in this world there are too many people that can do, and don’t. Too many excuses. Too many talkers and not enough “do-ers”. I cant be like them, I have to get things done, I have to produce results because that’s the standard I set for myself, so I'm angry with myself as I write this because so much has happened that was good, but then I locked up from stress. 

I know stress is a real thing, but its not something I usually acknowledge. I tell myself life is hard, I suck it up and move on, I’ve never known complaining to produce any favorable results and I don’t ever want to be the person to talk about what they could have done but didn’t, not because of a disability or medical situation, but because they had all the resources, and did nothing with them, or just enough to say they did something. 

Finances got a little better, got more medical help, a personal assistant, started my podcast, had some legit setbacks…then resented my podcast. I think that’s what I was feeling, I'm not sure. I had planned on working on my book, I'm determined to have a rough draft by the end of this year (2025). I have fallen off track to the point it makes me cringe. Because I believe God told me to do the book, not the podcast, at least not yet. 

I had a delay because I was going to get a new laptop, only to find out the one I have is better, wasted time & a lil bit of money. Then my hospital bed broke, by the time it got fixed, something happened and I'm not sure if its because I looked over my should at what I had been through or looking ahead to what I still need to do. Doesn’t matter, pain doesn’t matter, pain is irrelevant, mental state is irrelevant, stay focused, stay on task, get the job done. I have not been getting the right job done. I turned into video games more than usual. Now I'm angry at myself for getting off track due to video games. 

Several blogs were supposed to come before this one, already written up, but the time between those and this one, I guess I wound up busy beating myself up and hating myself for being distracted. It was a cycle, I don’t restart because I'm angry with myself, less gets done, I get more depressed, more time passes, I get angrier with myself, then I question why am I writing this book, been at it 19 years. Why am I doing a podcast? I wanted to help a very good friend, and now that I'm in it I don’t think it would be right or honorable to stop or back out. 

So, I just keep moving on, I keep going. My high school band director taught me a lot that I still use to this day, more than just music but life. Keep moving, be like a toy bumper car, you might hit a wall but keep going, long as you keep moving, you’ll wind up where you’re supposed to be. Well only God knows where that is for me, but I will keep going, God will order my steps and knows where my heart is, so He will order my steps and Ill get wherever I need to be.